Finlay Carrington Life Story & Time Line

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	Our Story Finlay was our first baby. I’m 27 and have been engaged to Brad for 5 years and we felt ready for a baby so when we found out, we were both over the moon. The pregnancy went without drama the whole way through and I had no morning sickness whatsoever. I was 4 days overdue the last time I heard his heartbeat and my midwife assured me he was healthy. At 7 days overdue I started to feel a bit sick and I got a really sharp headache in the evening. The next day I slept the whole day and just felt so tired. I didn’t feel the baby move that night and just thought it was because he was a big baby (around 8lb 8oz I was told) and he was getting ready to come. I slept most of the next day and began to wonder why he wasn’t moving but that night in the bath I had a big downwards movement so I thought all was OK. The next day was the same as before and again I just thought he had slowed down and may have been moving when I was sleeping. By Thursday I got quite concerned and asked my sister in-law to take me to the hospital that evening just to get it checked out. That was the night my world ended. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and sent me straight for a scan. There were three ladies in the room and they were quiet for what seemed like ages. All of a sudden the sonographer grabbed my hand and said “Jill I’m so sorry but your baby has died”. One of the other nurses grabbed my free hand and the other one grabbed my ankle and all I could say was “I don’t understand, everything was fine on Friday”. They showed me the screen to show me where his heart should have been beating. I didn’t want to see but I knew if I didn’t look I would have doubted what they were saying. I asked if it was a boy or a girl but they said they couldn’t see. They checked my previous scan pictures but still did not know the sex of my baby. After the scan one of the nurses walked me back to the room where my sister-in-law waited. I was completely silent and when I saw her I just shook my head and she grabbed me and I cried my eyes out. The nurse asked me if I wanted her to notify Brad. I said yes and she asked me what I wanted her to tell him. She said she could just call him and ask him to come straight to the hospital. I said “no you can’t do that. He needs to know why he is coming here or he will be excited thinking I have gone into labour”. Louise my sister-in-law said she would speak to him because I just couldn’t do it. Brad was working in London at the time and was on the train home when he got the call. After about 15 minutes I went off the ward for some fresh air and called Brad myself. He was at a station waiting to change trains and said that when he heard my voice he collapsed to the floor. Luckily he had a friend with him who he was working with to look after him. I then called my mum and told her “my baby’s died” I had to repeat myself because she didn’t believe me. While I was waiting for my Mum and Brad to arrive at the hospital the Consultant Doctor came to see me with the midwife to tell me that I would have to deliver the baby the next morning. I asked if I could have a cesarean section but they told me it was not an option as it was too risky and not for the safety of the babies life. I was outraged and couldn’t believe they were going to force me to give birth to my dead baby. They said I had carried this baby for 9 months and must see it to its natural end by giving birth. Mum and Brad arrived and were also very upset that I would have to go through this. They asked me if I wanted to stay overnight but I just needed to go home and see the baby’s room and to be alone with Brad. I went to bed at about 10.00pm and woke thinking it was morning. I saw the time was only midnight and I was distraught as I felt I would keep waking up with that sinking feeling over and over until the morning came. Then I felt terribly guilty that I had fallen asleep in the first place. What the hell was I doing sleeping at a time like that?! I was finding it harder to deal with because I didn’t know the babies sex and felt I didn’t know who to grieve for. I called my Mum and spoke with her until 2.00am and then got some rest in preparation for what was to come. The worst day of my life. Brad’s brother picked us up to take us to the hospital. Brad wanted all his family and friends there for support and at the time I was unsure if I wanted them there but I needed him to be OK and so I agreed. It turned out to be the best decision I ever made. I was induced at about 11.30am and went into labour at about 4.00pm. My Mum, Dad and Brad were in the room with me the whole time. It was a very difficult labour as the head was half out and I stopped contracting. It was extremely painful and they gave me drugs to start the contractions again. I was so tired that I shut right down and Brad and my Dad thought I was going to die. I knew I was OK but I didn’t have any energy to open my eyes or talk. There was shoulder dystocia at delivery and it took 4 midwifes to get him out. At this point I didn’t know the sex of our baby but felt it would be a boy. Brad had always hoped it would be. Finlay John Acton was born sleeping at 11.26pm weighing 10lb 3oz. We didn’t see him straight away. The doctor who delivered him said she thought that upon sight he looked as though he may have had diabetes because he was so big. She thought initially he was about 11 or 12lb. one of the other midwives said she found the placenta to be very small. Brad came and cuddled me and I said “you got your little boy”. Brad went outside to tell all the family. I obviously wasn’t there at this time but family and friends say that he came out and said “it’s a boy” and then fell to the floor. Everyone rushed to him on the floor and held him all at once. The midwife dressed Finlay in clothes we had brought from home and brought him in to see us. My Mum had looked at him at delivery and said he looks fine but a little bloated. The midwives also told us that his skin may be peeled as he had died at least 24 hours before. He wasn’t bloated just very big! I looked at my son and held him in my arms. He was so heavy and had so much hair. I put my little finger in his mouth to see if he had teeth!! I smelled his skin and he smelled just like a baby should. His skin was a bit peeled and he looked so sore. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt at the way he looked. If only I got checked out sooner he wouldn’t have looked so sore. We spent one hour with him and all the family came to meet him. For this I am eternally grateful. We stayed at the hospital in a special room called the forget-me-not suite. The next morning we had Finlay blessed by a Chaplin and my best friends came to see him. Brad felt he didn’t want to hold him again but I asked him if I could just pass him to his Daddy one last time and put him in his Moses basket instead of giving him back to the Midwife. Brad did this and gave him a big kiss. I think he is pleased that he did. My parents showed up with Brad’s parents and we toasted our son with a glass of champagne. Later that night we went home where all my family were waiting for us. The worst thing was that my big sister was in Spain and hadn’t got to see him before we had to send him away for his post-mortem. She was absolutely distraught about this so when he came back earlier than we expected, My Mum called the hospital to see if Finlay looked OK still and they said yes he looked pretty much the same. I called my sister who was back from holiday and she came immediately so we could see him at the hospital. We didn’t hold him again because the midwife said he felt different and I didn’t want to ruin my memories of how he felt in my arms. I held his hand and gave him loads of kisses. We also took more photos of him. My sister was so pleased she got the chance to meet him. Finlay’s funeral was a really special day. So many people attended and his Uncle Darren let off a white dove at his graveside. Instead of dirt we all placed teddies and flowers into his grave. There were so many flowers and his casket looked like a toy box all painted with the moon and stars on. The post-mortem results came back inconclusive which has been hard to deal with. It points towards diabetes but because I showed no sign of this in pregnancy it may not have been the cause. Also the placenta had begun to break down but how was he so big? Answers to these questions we will never know. All I know is there us nothing we wouldn’t do to change what’s happened. We miss him so much everyday and wish with all our hearts that we had been given the chance to be his Mummy & Daddy until he grew to have his own babies. This will never happen and it is a bitter pill to swallow. Nothing had prepared me for how much I would love my son. We think about the future and about having more children. These discussions are filled with feelings of guilt, loss, anger and pain but also of hope. Hope that one day we may get the chance to prove ourselves as the parents we had prepared to be. I know one day this will happen and we will love our next baby completely, but that will always be tinged with the sadness we feel at the loss of our beautiful baby son. Our number one. Finlay forever.

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This memorial website was created by Jill Carrington on 01/01/2007.
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Audio & Video

	George Michael - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
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	Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World
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	Eva Cassidy - Autumn Leaves
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	Sade - The Sweetest Gift
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	Sade - Somebody Already Broke My Heart
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	Sade - No Ordinary Love
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	Desiree - Kissing You (Romeo & Juliet)
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	Sade - Cherish The Day
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	Alicia Keyes - If I Ain't Got You
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	Eva Cassidy - When He's Gone
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	Sade - Kiss Of Life
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	Toni Braxton - Breathe Again
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	Alicia Keyes - Butterflies
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	Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
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	Mary J Blige
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	Eva Cassidy - Amazing Grace
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	Eternal - Angel of Mine
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	Mariah Carey - I Give My All
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	Mariah Carey & Boyz to Men - One Sweet Day
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	Boyz 2 Men - End Of The Road
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	Leona Lewis - All By Myself
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	Leona Lewis & Take That - A Million Lovesongs
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	Leona Lewis - Somewhere Over The Rainbow
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Memorial Candles

	Mummy lit a candle on 10/27/2009: "Happy 3rd Birthday my angel. Hope you like your flowers. Miss you as ever. Always thinking of you. God bless xxx"

	Jackie Carrington lit a candle on 10/27/2009: "Happy third birthday darling. Thinking of you always. Love Nana Jackie"

	Brad Acton lit a candle on 10/26/2009: "Happy birthday for the morning my baby boy, Your always with me. Dad"

	Mummy lit a candle on 02/02/2009: "I went 2 see ur beautiful cousin 2day who was sleeping peacefully. I smothered him in so many kisses. RIP Love u both xx"

	Mia Gregory lit a candle on 01/22/2009: "night night"

	Mummy &. Marley lit a candle on 12/31/2008: "Finlay, Please look after our little Aaron and make sure he finds his way. Tell him we love him xx"

	Mummy lit a candle on 12/29/2008: "Hope you liked your Xmas pressies baby. Love you loads and loads and miss you like mad. Be back to see you again soon xx"

	Nana Jackie lit a candle on 12/25/2008: "Merry Christmas little angel. thinking of you today as always. Mummy is here and visiting you tomorrow. Love you.xx"

	Nana Jackie lit a candle on 10/27/2008: "Happy 2nd birthday little angel. Always thinking of you in heaven. xxx"

	Mummy lit a candle on 10/27/2008: "Happy Birthday Beautiful! I hope u like ur flowers and ur balloon. Love u forever and miss u so much . Always, Mummy xxx"

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